“There is a secret about human love that is commonly overlooked: Receiving it is much more scary and threatening than giving it. How many times in your life have you been unable to let in someone’s love or even pushed it away? Much as we proclaim the wish to be truly loved, we are often afraid of that, and so find it difficult to open to love or let it all the way in.”

~ John Welwood

Most of us are not talented receivers when it comes to love. Whether or not we are able to give love has surprisingly little to do with its polar opposite of being able to open to the love coming towards us. We refuse the love we say we want when we complain about the packaging it arrives in. We refuse the lover we say we want when we blame them for what they are not. We refuse the love and the lover we say we want when we justify our refusal in the storylines of anger, guilt and inadequacy. In fact, most people when pushed to the edge of their refusal to receive love will admit to what may be the most painful universal wound of all – the belief that underneath it all we don’t deserve the love we say we want.

Learning how to let in the love that is constantly around us, coming towards us, yielding to our asking hearts is perhaps the only lesson worth mastering. It begins with establishing your own worth as the center of your existence. Imagining yourself as a worthy container of love and patching the cracks that leak out the essence of our lovability is an inside job. The repairs are worth the effort, as our willingness to witness and experience the painful recognition of our own beliefs fall away. We are in fact innately capable of receiving and transmuting the love that comes towards us.

In intimate relationships this inability to receive love is most acutely witnessed in the significant incidence of sexual dysfunction and its collateral damage to the experience of orgasm. Millions of people, both men and women, suffer from conditions that impact their ability to receive and experience pleasure. There is a lot of forgiving that needs to happen around most people’s sexuality. Whether from unhelpful messaging about what our sexuality means about us or the bad choices most of us make on the way to figuring our sexuality out, we live within a wounded culture of sex that publicly swings widely between the  prudish “just say no” and  the endless hookup.  Forgiving ourselves and loving the wounded places in us is perhaps the most essential leap we can commit to in opening up a path to permitting ourselves sexual pleasure.

Exploring our sexuality from this perspective offers one of the most tender and gratifying practices available to us. This idea occurred to me not long ago when I was in the midst of experiencing my own passion. I understood in a visceral way just how deeply our capacity for arousal is actually the most profoundly embodied experience of receiving love available to us.  What keeps most of us from sliding down this fast moving chute into a pleasure delirium is our inability to receive and feel worthy of the pleasure that lives within us.

So, take a risk with your heart and begin in the bedroom. Abandon your need to control the outcome, allow yourself moments of naked vulnerability and experience how unpredictable and healing human touch can be. Receiving physical love from your partner is a true investment, which not only changes the cycle of giving and receiving in your relationship but allows pleasure to move through us and transform us.

As men, we absolutely love our erections. They may be our biggest (pardon the many puns throughout) source of joy. When we have our erections, we have more confidence and self-esteem. When Mr. Reliable doesn’t show up for work and we fail to fully function, it can trigger depression, anxiety, relationship issues, and a lack of confidence in all areas of our lives.   For many men, our penis becomes a barometer for how we feel about ourselves, intimate relationships and the world.

Erectile Dysfunction ED (or what we used to call impotence) happens to just about all men at some time in their lives. Some studies say that chronic ED happens in about 5% of men under 40 and jumps to 15% of men by the age of 70. Occasional ED issues happen with most men at various times in their lives.

The good news here is that in almost all cases, erections can and will return.

First and foremost, a lack of an erection, or a semi-strong erection does not have to mean the end of your sex life. As men, we are sexual beings. Being a sexual being does not always mean that we express our sexual energy with erections. There are many ways to express our sexual nature besides with our erect penis. Our partners probably will continue to seek our attention and sexual presence.

As a sexuality and relationship coach, I often assist men on both the improvement of their functioning but also to explore the potential healing in other aspects of a man’s life as a result of having this condition. The erection issue is there for a reason. It’s important to understand the factors for this condition, then we can effectively treat it; and the whole man. This penis barometer may be pointing to areas to look at in a man’s life. What else needs attending to in your relationship? What health factors have you been ignoring? How is your emotional health? Are you doing too much porn or acting out? Drinking?

Did you know that…It’s quite normal for erections to gain and lose strength even during sexual play. Also remember, men who don’t have erections can still have intercourse, orgasm and ejaculations.

Now for a little primer on how erections happen. Erections occur naturally in boys even before they are born through their 90’s and beyond.   When we are stimulated by sight, thought or touch the brain will send messages to our ‘smooth’ muscles around our genital region. These signals relax the muscles around the arteries that supply blood to the spongy and cavernous bodies. The veins that drain the blood supply to the penis can’t keep up with the inflow from the arteries resulting in swelling to three balloon-like sacks in our penis.   As the sacks fill the penis becomes firm, not unlike a water balloon.   Pressure of the spongy tissue partially closes the veins, helping then to maintain the erection. The erection continues until the signals from the brain stop.

Why is this happening????
There are numerous physical, emotional, relational and even spiritual reasons for the lack of fully functioning penis. I’ll break down the possible reasons into these three categories. As you read the list, check mark as many factors apply to you and your life situation. Try to not be too discouraged by this list.

Consider this before taking Viagra or Cialis

As I mentioned earlier, there are many reasons why you may have this condition. The body does not lie and always has a purpose and intelligence in its perfect expression…even with erections. Before considering the immediate guaranteed results from Viagra or Cialis consider that your body has its own intelligence. The lack of an erection can be pointing to areas that you may want to consider.

There is nothing wrong with the prescription or even herbal remedies for erectile issues. They may serve to address immediate needs. They can assist men to gain confidence and allow for pleasure for them and/or their partner. A reliance on these medications can have long-term ramifications on a man’s erections. There are potential dangerous side effects from these medications.

There are ways to bring back full function without the use of medication; or at least, to only use it in the beginning in smaller doses to gain confidence.

So what is your non erect penis trying to say to you? Pay attention as this may be of utmost importance.

Some of the messages that you might consider are:

1. Learn the wisdom of your whole body. You may be too genitally focused for your pleasure. This happens to so many men who are focusing just on their erection and forget the rest of their bodies. Your body holds a system of nerves and opportunities for sensation that needs focusing. A soft penis may be a cry from the rest of your body to pay attention to me too.
2. An over emphasis to pornography or other forms of acting out may begin to create a need for more and more heightened visual or physical stimulus to have and maintain an erection. This can drain energy from a relationship too.       Many men become bored with sex with their partners as they develop more intensity with pornography, etc.       Stop using porn or other acting out and your erection may return.
3. You or your partner may be desiring a different kind of intimacy. A flaccid penis may be asking for a different flavor of intimacy.
4. You have heard the expression…’Use it or lose it.’ If you have not paid attention to your sex life, you may need to spend more time and energy fostering this sexual energy.
5. The message may be…’my sex life is boring…give me some variety’. The human body is a very, very intelligent and creative organism.       Our bodies need variety and creativity to be fully functioning and happy. Create variety and play.
6. Experiment with the fun of a ‘soft-on’. The flaccid penis exposes hundreds of nerve endings that are not available on an erect penis.
7. A partner may be asking for the softness in loving. It expresses a vulnerability that may be needed to take the relationship to a new level of intimacy. Can you express your emotional vulnerability in your relationship? There is a beauty of soft entry during intercourse.
8. When there are erection issues, it could be pointing to a new phase in your loving. It could signal the initiation of a cycle of deep wisdom pointing to an end to intercourse as a form of loving. It is a chance to learn the beauty of grief and its lessons in life.

For more information or exercises you can do to getting Mr. Happy to salute you and your partner again, contact me.